Many years since my last post. Too much updating to do. So I'll just focus on what I'm thinking about right now.

I've never been one to succumb to "groupthink". I tend to be a nonconformist. I've never been one to "go along to get along." It's just not me.

This has created a lot of problems for me. I've never "moved up" much in the places in which I've worked. I've never fit into many groups which might bring me some form of solace. I'm on the verge of completing my divorce, among other things that have held me back. When I was at AOL, I didn't really fit in, even though many seemed to want me to, because of some skill or trait they found appealing. Yet, when everyone else was there, so full of themselves, the stock price, and good feelings, I was there saying, wait, what is it we're so good at? Making CDs with our software (and adware)? Not letting people cancel their accounts? That our salespeople are good at lying to our customers about why they'd be crazy to cancel? Or, at my nursing job at a highly esteemed hospital organization, where we were told FROM THE FIRST DAY OF ORIENTATION that we will have it SO good here, that we can't ever go anywhere else, or we'll be so dissatisfied that we'll regret it forever and ever.

But I can say this also. I've almost always been resistant to any sort of sales pitch. Good luck selling me something that is useless or overrated, cuz I'm going to investigate before I buy. And sure, I eventually bought into the AOL and hospital organization's lies. I asked openly, what is it that we do or make that's making our stock price skyrocket so high? And I was told, again and again, "You just don't get it. This is the way things are now." Despite my misgivings, I eventually bought into this mindset, though never completely. When I left said hospital organization, MANY people said "You're going to hate working somewhere else." And I believed it to some extent, but left anyway. In retrospect, that was nothing more than a sales pitch and groupthink/cult teaching started from the first day. It WAS NOT true.

We've certainly seen the effects of groupthink/cultism in the Trump presidency, from our friends and our family members. It's the largest such groupthink I've seen outside major religions. I still have trouble believing or understanding friends and family who subscribe so completely to this groupthink and lack of logic or facts. It's a reliance on a fiction created mostly by one man, and otherwise by one party/media system.

But I also see this sort of "if you're not all in with us, you're out" type thinking with Bernie Sanders supporters. To his credit, I've not seen it from Bernie himself, but to his detriment, he has not denounced the trolling and name-calling his supporters have been doing. It pains me to see this in the guy I wanted to win in 2016. For this reason, as well as his age (yes, as a nurse, I feel compelled to be an "ageist"). I can't root for him anymore. The last thing we need is to go from a cult leader to another cult leader.

This is all, as a close friend of mine says, "going to resolve" in the coming years. I sure hope it does, anyway. It's got to, or this is just like the late 1930s. In the meantime, I freaking hate it. It's torturous, for our society and for me personally. Cult-like groupthink needs to become a rarity again. Can we just go back to relying on facts and research and stop this worshiping type of behavior?

Please?

These are my interpretations of what happened on Wednesday:

I had worked for a good part of the day. I had cut and trimmed the lawn. I'd vacuumed the house again. I was finishing making what I hoped would be a nice dinner. I was under the impression that Tammi would be able to come home, relax and have a nice dinner in a clean house. This made me feel good.

Then she got home. Shortly after getting home she saw that I'd bought turkey and indicated that I don't think about her at all because I didn't buy her ham. She repeatedly insinuated this.

Then I got my first earful about the fact that she had seen some roaches in the house. I have the impression that as soon as she saw them, she blamed me and my leaving wrappers out when I eat late at night. In so doing she also was hinting that I am a slob.

My dreams of a nice dinner were pretty much gone. Everything I'd done that day didn't matter. I was an inconsiderate slob, not someone who had worked to try to make her night easier.

Dinner came and we had a reprieve from the complaints and putdowns thanks to Steve being there. I was hoping we could ride the new momentum of trying to get along. This did not last. More talk about the roaches. No consideration as to the real likely culprit for the roaches--the fact that the kitchen has an open trash can that sometimes sits with a bag unchanged for several days. It must have been the wrappers, or at least that was all she wanted to believe tonight. The complaining continued until I left the room. At least I managed to keep my temper.

Thinking a walk might change the course of the night, I hoped the rain would stop. It finally did. I was pretty beaten down by this time, though. Anytime I tried to say something I got short answers not indicating a friendly conversation was about to break out. I gave up and kept quiet.

The conversation never changed or turned friendly. I followed her to bed and we read our books side by side. The only talk made--me seeing if we still might be able to cuddle or be physical, again was turned into a complaint about the roaches.

My concerns are this: she gets into these moods and there's no stopping her. She doesn't listen to me at all when I tell her she's in a mood and is being mean. She doesn't have any friends that she talks to about our disagreements and fights, so it's me vs. her, at least for her. I continue to hope this will change. Maybe she'll make a friend she can share things with who can tell her the way she's acting. I am worried that there will be a few days in a row of these moods and I'll lose my temper.

Maybe we need some time apart. I'm not sure. Right now isn't the time to plan for that though. I'm a little upset about tonight.

It's been so long since I last wrote. Now, I'm sitting on my couch typing on my 3 week old laptop. It beats the hell out of sitting at a desk not being able to move around. I love this thing.

On top of all that, I am typing in the condo I bought 4 and a half months ago. Yep, after looking pretty hard at the housing market and hoping to buy myself an actual house, I wound up buying a place that's in the same neighborhood as Hugh and family. It was a pretty good deal and I had come to the realization that any house I was going to buy would have to be an older house that'd probably need some work. I am satisfied that I ended up here. It's only 4 years old and I've only really had one problem, and that was more my own fault. Get this--I did my first load of laundry here by putting a load in and leaving for a few hours. Came back to find my hallway totally flooded. Came to realize that the hose that sits in the wall as the output from the washer was out of it's little socket and had gone all over the wall and the floor. I ended up spending hours with the Segars' shop vac sucking up the water. It seems to be no problem now, but then I was pretty irritated. Other than that, it's been pretty carefree living. At first it took some time getting used to living alone. But now I try to appreciate it, especially since I can afford it easily, and working nights, it makes it so much easier to sleep in. I like it.

Work has been going well. I have been on my own for a long long time now. The one big controversy I've been involved with was not even my own idea. After two months on my own, a nurse I work with and generally got along with came up and said hey, you're floating in a half hour, so let me know if you need anything. This was on one of my worst-ever nights and I was way behind. So, I say, Palma (our boss) told me that it would be 3 months before I floated. It became a big deal and then the charge nurse called Palma to see what she would say. She said, you know what, let's make it six months before new nurses float. So the same nurse who'd told me I had to float was the one that ended up having to float. She was bitter as bitter can be and told this story to anyone who'd listen, then saying she'd been a nurse for ten years and had never heard of it taking 6 months to float. Never came to me with her issues about it, but made it clear with her manner towards me and her side comments and what she'd say to others that she had a big problem with it.

Anyway it's over now and I have floated. The only other issue is that I haven't yet signed anything saying I will be going to the new hospital when Mayo moves there. I want to go, but it could be an interesting crossroads. If I don't, I will be in the ICU at St. Vincent's new hospital. As it is, I'm comfortable where I am and I do learn new things, but sometimes feel like I'd like to move to another floor, ER, ICU, something else where it's different and I can learn other new things. It's nice sometimes to see patients improve and do well, but there are other sad stories who keep coming back or have lots of new problems. But I can't really leave because my best chance of moving to the new hospital is to stay where I am. So we'll see what all goes down.

My dating life has been pretty dull. This is another reason I have thought about leaving my floor. Most of the women there are married. It's also why I was looking forward to floating. I went out with Tammie again a month ago. Other than that, there's two women that still could be interesting. First and foremost is Judy. I do like her and we enjoy lots of things together. Just tonight she came over for dinner. But we have never crossed beyond the "friend zone". I am still open to this possibility; sometimes I even think a lot about it. But as of now, it is what it is and pretty much has always been.

The other is just a crazy idea. It's the original Kelly Segars, the one I dated so far back, in 1994-95. We haven't had a civil conversation in a very long time, and in fact Davy and Kelly's wedding she freaked out on me. Everyone's been telling me how normal she is now, though. I am skeptical--I never considered us a couple with a prayer of staying together--but then the sex with her was as good as I've ever had it. I have to ask myself--was that just me at a certain stage of my life or was it something between us? I may never know. Either way, I would like to sit down with her and talk normally. She has a kid now, the last guy she was with was the guy she broke up with me for (admittedly after I broke up with her 3 times before that). So,time will tell here.

I have not written in a while. I've been down to see my parents twice in the past few weeks. Partly to see them and spend time with them but also to get out of town and away from this stressful living situation.

Davy and I had another big argument and we both los our tempers. It started when I went to the gym one day. Usually, Davy tells me when he's going jogging and tells me not to lock the door, because, for whatever reason, he does not take his keys with him jogging. So I locked the door and went to the gym. I saw Davy jogging when I was leaving the condos but I was on the phone with my preceptor at the time and didn't think anything of it. I left my phone in the car to charge and went in the gym. On my way back from the gym, I saw he'd called like 15 times from a number I had not seen before. He'd left a terse message about being locked out and having things to do. Soon after, I pulled up. I think he was probably sitting in his truck, steaming, the whole time I was working out. He jumped my shit as soon as I got out of the car, yelling, why would I lock him out and he'd never do it to me. I started yelling back, amazed that he would think I'd done it intentionally. It got way out of hand. Now, we haven't spoken in weeks.

The living situation has not improved. I sent him an email when I was down at my parents saying we need to talk. He sent one back saying he didn't see the point. I am sort of giving up right now. I guess if he ever feels ready we'll talk again. Till then it's still very uncomfortable for all 3 of us. I look forward to getting out of here. My plans now are to move back in with my previous roommate Elise. She owns her house and I get 2 private rooms and the bills are covered for $575/month. We never had any real disagreements last time around but she does have some habits--cats all over the place and she smokes dope a LOT-- which will make me want to move on again relatively soon. The best thing is that there's no lease involved so I can move out whenever I want to.

It was good to see my parents, though, and do some things with them. This past week on Wednesday while I was down there I decided to try skydiving. I started looking into doing a jump after a girl I've been emailing on eHarmony who has jumped like 6,000 times told me about the Titusville facility. My brother who lives in Orlando was supposed to go with me but then the day I had to schedule it he said he couldn’t get off from work. Having already planned to go, I saw how perfect the weather was going to be and decided to go on my own. It seemed that if I kept waiting for someone to go with me it was never going to happen. My mom and dad came along to watch. Their different personalities were magnified by what they came to see. My mom was not worried at all, she thought it was cool. My dad, however, the ultra-conservative one, was pretty worried. He never told me he forbade me from going--I'm an adult after all--but made sure I knew he thought it wasn't smart. After he saw the whole operation, though, I think he felt more comfortable with it.

I wasn't ever worried about the jump...until the last second. I was fine and trying to take it all in when we were on the ground suiting up, and when we were in the plane, checking out the scenery over the space center. It wasn't till we got to the door that I felt any fear. But even then it was just a twinge; the jumpmaster had already earned my trust, and I had faith it was going to go fine. Luckily I've always had a very strong stomach (I am a nurse, after all).

When you go that high (18,000 feet!), you get lots of freefall time. Once I was oriented okay the jumpmaster was moving my arms and showing me how to spin. It wasn't too hard. We did that for a while. I tried to tell him let's do a roll but I don't think he could hear me at all--my words just flew past at 120 mph or however fast we were going. I was just starting to get used to being weightless when the drogue and canopy came out, and we were softly and slowly suspended in the air. He showed me how to turn, and pointed out some of the sights. What an awesome feeling! I was turning us around for a while. Then we landed, and I think because of the wind, we landed sort of sideways and he clunked me in the head. Good thing my head is made of rock.

So I definitely want to do that again. Wish skydiving weren't so expensive or I'd be doing the AFF course next week!

Working as a nurse can be very moving, and can drain you. I had another tough few days at work last weekend. I had a patient sent to us from the ICU because they were out of room and we had an available bed. I had cared for the patient just a few weeks before, a 36 year old man who had been doing fairly well the last time I saw him. He was tall and looked athletic. I remember he was telling me about his business working on fishing boats and water skiing up home in South Carolina, and was telling me about his daughter. Now, this man’s condition had deteriorated so thoroughly that he was unable to stand or speak, and by Sunday was totally incoherent and required complete care. His wife and mother were in the room and were crying at times during the day. They both knew that he was not doing well. I checked and he was still in ICU this week. And of course it affects you. If it doesn't you porbably shouldn't be there.

At this point I do not know what my next step as a nurse will be. I've looked into nursing informatics, maybe practitioner. Nurse anesthetist and another 2 and a half years of school are not appealing to me right now. If I'm not settled with anyone in another 2 years I might just take off and try travel nursing. Who knows. For now, I'm just working and trying to learn as much as I can and get some debts paid off.

In a 11 days I fly up to NJ to my brother Mike's for 4 days. My sister in law Michele has a c-section planned that day. My parents will be there and so will hers and her sister, who is a nurse. It is another way to get away from here and also to see everyone, especially the newest member of the family. Cool to think I will see him or her on their first day in the world.

Tomorrow it's back to work. Hoping I'll have more uplifting patients...

The holidays are now over, and I have to say I'm glad. Every year the holidays seem to get a little tougher. Being the only single person in my group of friends makes me sort of dread them. Even though I'm around friends, they're all with each other and then there's me. The worst is New Years, which as we've gotten older has become such a couple's holiday. So Thanksgiving is cool cuz I'm with family, Christmas is usually okay, and by New Years day I'm just glad I don't have to do it for another year.

In the new year I hope to end up in my own home. And, of course, I'd like to meet the right chick. I've been saying that for a long time, though, so I guess right now I'm not feeling all that positive about it. There's this one girl on eharmony who I like so far but she only replies once a week. It took us forever to get to their "open communication" and I doubt I'll hear from her anytime soon. So for whatever reason she can't be that interested. I've been pretty bored lately and haven't had any dates. I let my match.com subscription end a week ago, since I never met anyone that seemed too promising through it. I might go to a speed dating thing in a few weeks. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting obsessed with the whole idea of meeting someone, and speed dating feels like the ultimate desperation. But then what do I have to lose here.

I know that one thing that holds me back are some of my beliefs. I wish sometimes that I had it in me to be like my friend Hugh, the ultimate consensus builder and good-time guy, and just do and say what's popular as opposed to what I think is right. But I know that'll never be me.

Just got back from the trip to Roanoke VA for Thanksgiving with the family. It started well enough. I was able to tolerate Steve enough (barely) and we went to Moonfish Tuesday night and had a great dinner. We went to the Sanford airport on Wednesday, the "busiest day of the year to fly" and the airport was almost empty for most of the day. We flew up and then had a good dinner with mom, dad, Dan and family.

Then Thursday I woke up with a very sore throat. At least that's all it was, though. I was able to go to our early Thanksgiving meal and it was all good. But then late that night I started to get a fever. The next day I was pretty sick. Fever, congestion, runny nose, headache, dizziness. So I pretty much laid in bed or on the couch for the next two days. I had just enough to fly back to Sanford, ears feeling like they were going to explode, and drove back up here Sat. night still feeling dizzy and with a headache. I called out of work last night because of the dizziness and was still feeling short of breath. Today I still feel short of breath and pretty dizzy but I think I can make it through tonight.

Let me harken back to the good old days of this blog, before my scumbag ex-roommate Dan "accidentally" discovered it. That dude is still a scumbag. Get this: the other night at the Jag game he was about to hook up with this trailer-trash chick who was at the game with us. This guy should feel incredibly lucky to have a girlfriend as cool as he does, and he was about to blow it. They were all rubbing on each other and I bet if we hadn't told him not to he woulda done her. What a tard.

Nothing new on the dating scene. I'm thinking of trying a speed dating session. Sounds desperate, doesn't it?

Well yet another disappointment with online dating. What was that 5 days ago I was saying how encouraged I was with this new girl Chris? I just got her "Dear Ted" email. It's a little less surprising because she wasn't answering or returning my calls. Still, it kinda makes me feel very disappointed because I had been so excited about it. She said she'd met someone else on eharmony and felt a strong connection with him. One thing that makes me wonder is, when I was out with Davy and Kelly, Davy was saying some things like he was trying to sort of sabotage the whole thing. I am not sure what the hell was up with that. I was able to recover enough from the snide and unnecessary comments he made, I thought, or maybe I was not. So, I trudge on, wondering if and when I'll be feeling that strong connection with someone.

Tammie keeps sending me emails. I sent her the breakup email a long time ago and have not called her since. It's nice that she likes me but I see no reason to resume what I long conidered a relationship doomed to failure. I simply did not feel the same way she does. If you believe in punishment, maybe you could say Chris is my punishment for Tammie.

I also started talking again the other day to G, the girl from match who I'd had a fizzler of a first date with. I'd be surprised if we actually met again, but I guess you never know. Especially now that I am clearly very much single and looking again.

Till I have better news....

Two months since my last writing here. Of course some things have changed.

First off, I re-took the NCLEX on Oct 12 and passed it with the minimum number of questions. I can wonder all day how the hell I could have failed it so miserably--having only 10 questions over the minimum for the test to determine that I sucked, and then pass it with the minimum...but it's over now. Whatever happened before is pretty damned irrelevant. I knew I'd passed it this time when I left.

After that, and even up to now somewhat, it's been like....what do I do with myself now? After a year of that intense nursing program, and then those months of studying, all of a sudden I have 4 days off a week. That's been quite a difference, as well as a major relief. And I just got my first nurse paycheck. I'm still in debt---especially after the saga of this damn tooth I had to pay to get fixed--but I know that now I will not have much problem paying these debts back. The night I found out I passed, I went and got way too drunk at Hugh's house. Since then I've been somewhat focused on work and on making sure I'm well rested when I go in to work, because I have so much to learn. I've also come to realize that failing that test might have almost been a good thing. Now, I know most of the people on my unit, I know where most of the stuff I need is, I know some of the patients from before, and I sort of know the routine. It all adds up to making this nursing orientation quite a bit easier.

Other than that, I've been continuing to date. The whole situation with Tammie finally came to a subtle end. I tried telling her I didn't want to keep going out over the phone but somehow she convinced me not to say it. Something about women crying on the phone that's hard for me to handle. Then I sent her an email saying it's over. I've gotten a few back from her, most saying how rude it is to do something like that in email and also saying she did nothing but support me and so on. They made me feel like a total asshole. I've tried to bring myself to call her back to just say something and put it all to rest but it's been just too hard to do. Her emails have become more biting and bitter as time goes on. Maybe it's just best at this point to let it all go so she can realize the finality of it and move on herself. What's a little strange to me is that we only went on like 6 dates...and some weren't really even dates. She is a little on the crazy side also. She kept wanting us to have sex on the beach. We did it twice and once we thought we were about to get caught by a cop or something. Turned out it was some guy with a flashlight just trying to scare us. Either way it wasn't my favorite thing to do. She wanted to go do it again one night and I just told her I wasn't feeling well. I can't be getting arrested. I've got a career now to worry about. She seems to just throw all caution to the wind quite often. That said, we did get along pretty well. But it's definitely over now.

A few weeks after we started going out, I was talking to another chick I'd met on match. She was a 31 year old teacher who lived in Riverside. We were sending each other long emails and then AIM'ing each other a lot. Then finally, although I'd never seen her picture, I said let's meet for dinner. We met at a place I'd never been to before, the Mossfire Grill, recommended by a friend who lives in Riverside. She was plenty good looking, but for whatever reason I did not feel much of a spark when we did meet. I got the impression that she was a little embittered with something, not quite positive what it was. I probably should have given it another chance but she quickly faded into the past as I kept doing things with Tammie.

Then I started a new eharmony thing with this woman Chris. She's a 34 year old rehab counselor. What really struck me from the start was how much we had in common: recent career changes, political and religious convictions, general feelings on society. I'd have to say it's rare that I meet someone who shares these opinions with me (although the match chick I was just talking about seemed to also). I have never felt like someone has to think the way I do for me to go out with them or consider a future with them, but I think it might save some potential problems down the road. We emailed for weeks, marathon-long emails about anything and everything. She was a reporter in her previous job, and she sure can write. Finally it was time we met--on Halloween night. I had seen from her pictures that she seemed like a strikingly attractive woman. When I met her I was like, wow! She is easily the prettiest woman I've ever gone out with. So our first date went very well. She also lives in Riverside, so I thought I'd give Mossfire a second chance at another first date. It went so well that we never even stopped talking long enough to order. The bartender finally threw us out after we'd only had a drink apiece over the past 3 hours. She seems very heady, very much of a deep thinker, and we get along pretty well. Our second date was a bit strange, as I met her and some of her friends at Sneakers for the Gators-Vandy game. Then we went to Lynch's at the beach where we chatted and choked on smoke, and then we went to see a movie which was only playing at Regency, and somehow the time was wrong and it wasn't starting for another 2 hours. I just said let's call it a night since I'd worked the night before and was really pretty tired. Then we got lost trying to find 9A and drove all over the place and I told her some of what she calls my "juvenile delinquent" stories. Anyway last night we went out for a third time, this time with Davy and Kelly. We had a very good time at dinner, and then we went to see The Departed. It was an ok movie but long, and she fell asleep towards the end of it. I noticed she was asleep and at first just figured I'll let her sleep. Then I was looking at her and just thinking how pretty she was, sitting there sleeping.

I don't know how she feels about us having three dates now and us having not moved beyond short sessions of some light but fairly passionate french kissing. I am fine with taking it slow because I really like her and want to take my time with this. The whole thing with Tammie and having sex on our second date was very surprising as well as a little out of place and seemed to sort of "age" our relationshiop inappropriately. So for now I'm very hopeful that this may turn into something truly wonderful. I don't want to get too optimistic or start assuming anything, but at least for now I am very impressed.

That's all for now. Hopefully I'll have more good things to talk about soon.

Just wanted to add to my last post. My dating life seemed to have some new potential recently. There was a girl I'd been emailing from both match.com and eharmony who seemed promising.

I met the one from eharmony, Tammie, a few weeks ago. She was always just perfect in her emails and seemed interesting. I met her when everything seemed to be going perfectly for me. I was studying to take the test, had just gotten back from two good vacations with the family, and had a job to look forward to. We went to Carrabba's and she was very engaging. We went there at 7 and were the last to leave the place at 10. She was attractive but not stunning. That night, though, I asked her how she felt about having kids. She said she wasn't sure and that she could go either way. I thought I could accept that and keep a "come what may" attitude towards her.

Then I failed the test and she was very supportive. She does have a knack for saying the right things. Maybe it's a part of her work as an an HR staff recruiter. I really didn't want to do much after I got the news about the test, with her or anyone, so a good two weeks went by before we met again. This time we went to Tijuana Flats and talked for a while. We finally left and she suggested we continue at her place, where she has a hot tub on her lanai. Not knowing what to expect, I brought a bottle of wine and a condom. Both came in handy for me. I think anytime you mix wine and hot tubs on a date, it tends to lead to "moving things along". While she was great in bed, and seemed very satisfied, I again had my problem of not being able to finish the deal for myself. I half expect that the first time around with a chick anymore. Anyway, we met again two days later and just relaxed and chatted on her lanai since her mother was there.

I really couldn't get it out of my mind that she doesn't seem into the idea of having children. She seems to have a lot going on with work and other little projects she's doing. She also told me about how she'd gotten gastric bypass surgery and how her boobs were fake (they're not huge but are nice). She told me she planned to have a few more things done too. These are not things a future mother should be doing to herself, and that stuck in my mind more than anything. That's probably why I never showed any willingness to commit to things down the road. She is making this trip to Atlanta next weekend to see friends and really wanted me to come along, but I don't really want to go, and only part of it is because I have my can't-miss fantasy football auctions that weekend.

Throughout all this time she seemed really into me. There were times when I would only email but not call for a few days, and she would send me emails saying if you don't want to talk to me anymore I understand and wish you the best. At first I thought maybe it was something I said or just because I hadn't called. Then last night she called and I was expecting us to do something. She called me when I was trying to get some extra sleep and we talked for a little bit. I was thinking we were going to do something again tomorrow night. Then she sent me yet another email--must be about the 5th one overall--saying she thought she picked up something in my voice where I didn't want to see her again and she understood if I didn't, and she would leave it up to me to contact her next--the same stuff she's says in all of these emails. Well, I was just like, no that's not what I was thinking, but since you keep saying it....I didn't call or email her back.

She clearly has some self-esteem issues, which isn't a deal-killer in itself, but it adds to the big picture...and when she keeps saying things like "I get the impression you don't want to see me anymore" after a while you start to think, okay then. It seems like the right thing to do. After all, I feel pretty certain there is no long term future for us. So it's really nothing more than us having a good time together. She probably ought to move on.

As for the match.com girl, she seemed the more promising. She's a nurse and was a little younger and definitely wanted to have kids. We were supposed to meet last week, but she stopped emailing me after she had to put her cat to sleep and seemed very upset. I was as consoling as I could be, especially having been through it myself, but I'd be a little surprised if she emails me again. Too bad that we never met....although, since she works out in the gym where I will probably get a membership, we may meet sometime,

I think it's kind of funny that, for months, when I was a poor student I had my income listed as "no answer" on match.com and rarely got any nibbles from women there. Since I got this job and am now making a decent wage, I changed it to "50,000-75,000", and it's like night and day. Kind of an interesting sociological experiment, I think. Now, if I were to change my listed height from 5 foot 6 to 6 feet tall, I bet it'd be a deluge of emails. One thing I've realized since being on match.com is how much importance women put on height. I don't really understand it. Maybe it's an evolutionary/survival type thing....their offspring will be taller and more physically dominant (maybe). Anyway there's nothing I can do to change that, so those women be damned.

Work has finally moved from orientation in classrooms to me being on the floor as a nurse's aide. It's a little demeaning but I am going to stick it out. It sucks that at first, I was told that not much would change for me and then every day I seemed to be told something different. Either way I think that working through this time will help me for the test. Going to the classes the hospital has on Wednesdays should help also. The last 2 days I took 2 short, 50-question tests on the online Kaplan testing and got a 62 and a 60--a little better than what I had been doing. I feel like I have a handle on what I did wrong with the test, and expect to pass it in a month when I take it again.

That's all for now---and a shout out to my friend Amber--happy 28th!! You're still young.

Almost two months since my last post. So here's what's been goin on...

School is over, of course. That's good. At least that means that I can't get past the big stumbling block of getting through it. It was a little weird, getting used to not being in school. I was like, whoa, look at all this time I have now.

The month of July was largely spent studying and making two trips with the family. The trips were great. The first one was to Atlantic Beach, NC with mom, dad, Mike and family. It was a good relaxing time. Then it was up to Philly for another pool-picnic thing like we'd done last year. That was a good time also. In a way I'm glad that I was able to fill in that "dead time" with something fun and relaxing with the family.

In the meantime I got a job working on the same unit where I precepted, the liver transplant dept. at St. Luke's. I really liked the staff, and the work, while not easy, will be very educational for a new nurse like me but also not overwhelming like working at Shands would be.

The bad part about it all is that I took my boards last Thursday and failed them. It took me some time to get over the shock of that. I mean, nobody else who was in my program has even had a problem passing them, and I go in there and fail them. I will say that according to the online Kaplan practice tests I was taking, I had a good chance of passing. Everyone else who did the same to prepare said the online tests were just like the boards. I did not feel that way at all...the boards seemed a LOT harder. I think I also got a little complacent because my friends were all passing so easily, and figured if they could handle it so could I, and might have laid off a little in my preparations. Not that I think I slacked but I allowed too many things to distract me when I should have been more focused.

So now I am still wondering what all this will mean for me at work. At first I was terrified that I was going to lose my position before I even worked one day. But now I know that I am keeping my position, and even the same pay rate, but what I will be able to do, my schedule, and taking the full Kaplan program this time are all question marks. I plan to go in and talk to my boss tomorrow and find out more about these things.

My dating life has recently become more complicated. I am about to leave for work so I really can’t go into detail now.

I almost forgot to mention the great wedding up in the mountains of Pittsburgh! What a great time. Other than my brother Steve pissing me off as has become a recurring trend, it was a relaxing and fun getaway, away from computers and TV's and more just being outside and enjoying the incredible scenery. Me and the bros played golf before the wedidng and that was a lot of fun. My sister-in-law took this pic of me....I thought it was a good one.

I haven't written in such a long time. Part of the time I've been busy, but for the last month or two, I really haven't been.

The third semester of classes ended in a few all-nighters. One day was by far the worst I had in the entire program. My group for one class had this big presentation to do in front of the class the same day 2 other major projects were due. That day and the week before it, I got to see how some women react under the gun. It was not a pretty sight. I suppose that's some of what I have to look forward to, since I'll be working with lots of women in the years to come. Other than that, the semester was very busy, quite stressful, but compared to 2nd semester and the drama of the bitch Peppermint Patty trying to fail me, it was not too hard.

My fourth and last semester is now officially over, although I do have one day of preceptorship left. This semester has been a cakewalk compared to the previous three. It’s this semester where the profs pretty much leave you alone and you start to feel detached from classes and being a student. So this semester I’ve mostly focused on trying to figure out where I am going to work as a nurse.

I started off doing three weeks at Shands to see what it was like there. You hear so many conflicting stories that you never know how you’re going to feel about a place. I think this is because some nurses rationalize any bad feelings about where they work away so they can feel better about being there. I think Shands is one of these places. They seem to try to put as many patients with a nurse as is humanly possible, and then some. The ratio of patients to nurses on the med surg floors is 7 or 8 to 1, and up to 10 at night. They also have a lot of LPN’s working there. And while some of these LPN’s are very good and may as well be RN’s, there are some that have no business being in the medical field. Overall, the attitude of the nurses there towards their work is pretty negative, and this mood often pervades the floor. All of this adds up to the hospital being a very scary place to be as a patient, and a very risky place to be as a nurse in terms of keeping your license, and your sanity. Add to all this a crazy, scary, and sad incident on only my second day there, in which one of my patients ended up in ICU and then died later that night, quite possibly due to a medication error caused by a faulty IV pump. These are all reasons why I now see Shands as an absolute last resort for me to start nursing. Kind of like Rufus Payne was for me when I was looking for a teaching job, and I reluctantly took that job. And look how that turned out.

So for the last month or so I’ve been precepting at St. Luke’s on the liver/kidney transplant floor. This has been a much, much better experience. The staff there has been very agreeable and cooperative, and I feel like I fit in well there. They have no LPN’s at all, and the staff seems to like the hospital, the job, and contributes to an overall good feeling when you are there. The patient to nurse ratio is a very understandable 3 to 1. I liked it enough that I interviewed to work in transplant with the nurse manager yesterday. The interview went well. I knew already that it was pretty much of a token interview, since she'd already asked my preceptor and the other night nurses about me. And of course they said I was a stud :-) We spent more time talking about where I would work than if I would. She's the manager for both heart/lung transplant as well as liver/kidney, and although I was technically interviewing for heart/lung, she wants me to stay in liver/kidney, where I'm doing the preceptorship. She thinks one of her liver/kidney nurses is about to resign and wants me to take her spot. So she's going to call me in a week and give me a better idea of which unit I'm going to be in.

That means I'd start the 19th of July. Which is perfect since I would be getting back from a week-long trip to the outer banks with my parents, brother and sister in law on the 16th. So I need to decide when I'm going to take the NCLEX....before or after orientation. For orientation, which is 3 months, they put you through all kinds of classes that would help on the NCLEX. So I'll see how comfy I feel with it later and decide.

One thing that’s made the end of this year of nursing school a little less pleasing is that I don’t really have anyone to share the good feelings with. At least not in any kind of a romantic way. I certainly know there are plenty of women I’ll be around here soon, although there are no real prospects I’ve met at St. Luke’s, but I guess I thought I’d at least have some sort of a relationship going by now. Isn’t that something I’ve been thinking since I was like 25? I just keep telling myself that life could be a lot worse and to be patient. It does feel better to know that I’m about to start a decent job in a career which I doubt I will ever have to leave.

Oh and here's a nice pic of me starting my first-ever IV. It was from my first semester, but anyway....

The Final Four:

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Navy Operations Specialist
2. Computer Help Desk
3. 3rd grade teacher in an inner city school
4. Karmel Korn clerk also (and my boss was a crazy drunk)

Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. Full Metal Jacket
2. Goodfellas
3. There's Something About Mary
4. Groundhog Day (over and over)
5. The Shawshank Redemption (couldn't narrow it down to four)

Four places you have lived:
1. San Diego, CA
2. Pascagoula, MS
3. Atlantic and Neptune Beach, FL
4. Aston, PA

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Survivor
2. Seinfeld
3. South Park
4. Anything on the History Channel

Four want-to-visit vacation spots:
1. Alaska
2. Russia
3. All over Europe
4. Antarctica

Four websites I visit regularly
1. Yahoo.com
2. Phillysports.net
3. Movies.com
4. Wikipedia.com

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chicken, made any of a thousand ways
2. Popcorn
3. Ice cream
4. Pancakes

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. In a home to call my own
2. At the beach
3. On a boat somewhere
4. With the fam at the next big wedding!!

Hello world. Not much has happened in my life recently. That's why I haven't written much. I've been busy with studying for school, going to classes and clinicals, and otherwise passing time mostly with my roommates. I can't say it's been exciting but it's been my life. I found out that the scholarship I got for this semester actually pays me now extra money--they took it out of my total financial aid. That leaves me on the wrong side of BROKE. This limits what I can do. Anyway, that should all change soon. I'll be in the field working for pretty decent pay soon.

The bros came to town last weekend. It's hard to believe that my brother Mike had never once been to Jacksonville before. And it's not even like we have issues with each other. That's just the way it's worked out. My other two brothers have been here at least a half dozen times each. But anyway it was crappy weather but it was cool for him and his wife to be here. It was good to see my niece too. It almost worries me that the family has never had anything as far as a genetic mutation or serious illness in it. All these people and no real problems. You could make a case for Steve and his alcohol problem and oddness but, he's doing okay in the overall scheme of things.

School is rolling along. It's hard to believe how soon we'll be done. It's really only 4 months now. Then I'll take a week or two off to study for the NCLEX and hopefully pass and be working again. No more slacker student stuff. I try to appreciate not working and all but I can't say it's fun being so damn broke. I want to work and meet more women and see what happens with that and enjoy doing a job that means something. I feel like I will be a decent nurse at least.

Nothing at all is happening on the female front. I haven't talked to Judy for about 3 weeks now--she's dating a guy whose sister (a lesbian) I know. Julie is still engaged. We went to lunch the other day with her fiancé and some other people. I know we aren't ever going to go out again; whether she goes through with marrying this guy she says she's not even attracted to or not, it would make no sense to date her again. It is interesting that she's done most of the things I said she should since we "broke up", if that's what you'd even call it.

I’ve been keeping in decent physical shape. There’s not doubt that the threat of growing old alone and without any kids to call my own is a motivating factor. I’d like to think that I’ve been doing this workout routine for so long that it would be really hard to stop. After all, I am not young anymore, and I want to be able to play with my kids.

I hope that sometime in the next year I have more to say about my sorry ass “love life”. Maybe that’s inevitable or maybe not. Either way my future still has a lot to be written to it. I just hope I’m not too old to write it when it happens.

Well break is over and school is back on. We had our first clinicals of the semester on Saturday. Once again we seem to be getting eased into the work. I'm doing pediatrics first, then later in the semester I'll be doing obstetrics. I hear how tough the OB profs are and that they are the tougher of the two. Saturday was another new hospital--sort of. Though we'd been at Baptist before, Wolfson's is in the same building but is a different hospital. It was a nice looking place though. The nurses are almost exclusively female. Supposedly there are male nurses who work nights. Our clinical instructor is a very nice lady who we've had for a few classes already. I don't expect any of the problems I had last semester. My first patient was a very sad story. A 16 year old with cystic fibrosis who was in pretty bad shape. She had lived a rough life, and had recently agreed to sign her own DNR order. This is why I doubt I could do pediatrics. A lot of these poor kids never really had much of a chance, and it seems so unfair.

Break ended up being sort of a waste of time. I did little of anything to do with nursing school and just chilled out and played computer games and did some experimental cooking and baking. While I was hoping to hook up over the break, gatorprops disappeared completely and Lisa, the match.com chick, kept trying to arrange a meeting but I'm just not very interested. I try to tell myself what do I have to lose, but when I talk to her on the phone I just know I shouldn't bother. There's chicks in my class who seem interested but I know that's a bad idea. None of them are very good prospects for me anyway.

I definitely gained about 8-10 pounds since the break that I hope to lose soon. It seems like I do that every year though--put on my "winter coat". The UNF gym was closed a lot over the break and that sucked. I used the condo gym but it's not close to being the same.

The Jags lost last week but that was no surprise. They had a good season and showed good progress. In a way I'm glad that the Eagles and Jags are out of it now. I would be very distracted from school stuff if we had something going on like we had last year, when the Eagles ended up in the first and only Super Bowl in Jax.

I think this semester isn't going to be much less demanding than last, but now we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's only another 6 months and it's all over. Then it's take boards and get a real job again. As much as I look forward to that now, I also want to try to appreciate the time I have now. It's the catch-22 of having lots of time to do what I want but not having the money. I guess when I'm working it'll be exactly the opposite. Soon, I'll have to start seriously thinking of where I'm going to work when I'm done.

Now that I've glossed over the last 4 months I think I can comment on more of the day-to-day stuff...

Living here with Davy and Kelly has been really very cool so far. We cook for each other, have always gotten along well together, watch tv shows together. It's been very cool. The only real complaints I have are basically just minor character flaws. Kelly tends to get defensive about things. Davy is very forgetful and tends to eat other people's food. Other than that they are a joy to be around and have made the last 4 months so much more tolerable.

Yesterday I finished my shopping. It was all for Hugh, Kim, their kids Savannah and William, and Davy & Kelly. I spent a lot more than I ever have on them. I guess I am tired of going cheap and looking like the poor little broke boy on these holidays I spend with them, and also feel somewhat empowered by the scholarship I got for this coming semester. Anyway I'm glad to be able to give; these people always give me more than I can give back.

So far this break I've been doing a lot of "deflating". After all the stress, especially there at the end of the semester, it's nice to be able to just relax and do what I want for a while. I've been working on people's computers, a task I guess I'll never put behind me, working out, read a Harlan Coben book, played some Tecmo with Davy, and am just aobut over an annoying little head cold. Today I plan to make jam filled and spritz Christmas cookies. Tonight it's dinner at Hugh and Kim's.

I hope to start reading some OB/Peds stuff for next semester after Christmas has come and gone. The gym is closed that entire week, so I won't have much else to do. Might play golf. We'll see what else comes up. It's fun to do whatever the hell I want to and sleep till when I'm ready to get up. On the 30th Mom and Dad will get to St. Augustine. I will surely go down to see them.
Well that's all for now.

The semester from hell is finally over. What a semester it was. Between Adult Health, the killer class from hell, and problems I had with one of the clinical instructors, it was a semester to remember, for good and for bad.

Everything was humming along smoothly. Pretty smoothly, anyway. The thing with Julie always threatened to cause more problems. We did go out after I last posted. We had our little “bury the hatchet” thing where we said what we had to say to each other. I don’t think she ever really got over what I said about her though. Anyway, the semester was coming along; everything seemed to be going pretty smoothly. My grades were pretty good, I was definitely learning a ton of stuff. My instructors seemed to think I was doing fine. Then the shit hit the fan right around Halloween.

It was the Saturday before Halloween, actually. It was the first of three Saturdays I would spend at Brooks Rehabilitation hospital. Another new hospital, new people to meet, see another facility’s way of doing things. Sounds great, right? Well, around this time, the semester had definitely taken its toll. I think everyone was sort of dragging themselves through the days by this time. When you’re taking 18 credits and doing the hours we were doing, that’s probably inevitable.

The patient I was assigned for my rehab clinical experience was very intriguing and I learned a lot from him. Anyway, I noticed that his PICC line dressing needed to be changed and told my clinical instructor, someone who I had not met before. She said ok, and that we’d do that later in the day. Then we went to lunch. We ate and were on our way back from lunch, all twelve of us, and she stopped in the gift shop to get her Peppermint Patty bar, which she said had become a routine for her. After she’d gotten it, I was right behind her, and said, “You know what, you kinda look like Peppermint Patty.” You know, the Peanuts comic strip character. And she did look like her. Anyway, I got a pretty nasty look for that comment.

Later in the day, right at the very end in fact, I went and got her so we could do this PICC line. This was a horrible experience. I’d done two previously with other clinical instructors and done fine. With this patient, it was going to be a unique challenge. Let’s just say that he would squirm and curse and complain endlessly if you ever moved his arms. So my instructor was holding his arm at an angle to allow me to change the dressing. He was yelling and cursing at her and even threatening her from the start. Then, I made a mistake about my sterile field, and she started yelling. And when this lady starts yelling, she looks like she’s going to hit you. So I got flustered and kept making more mistakes which made her yell more. It was a bad, ugly scene. When it was over she berated me up and down. Said she was not happy with me at all and that I’d better know how to do a PICC line the next time we were together. I know how to do a PICC line, actually, I just didn’t perform well with her and my patient both yelling. Anyway, that day ended. That night, we had a big Halloween party at my condo. That was fun, although I had this incident in the back of my mind, until Julie came. She showed up and acted strange to everyone. She is definitely mentally disturbed. She left soon after, and I was relieved.

The next Thursday, I was with this clinical instructor again. We were again at a new hospital, this time Baptist downtown. I knew she was going to have me change the dressing on a patient I was assigned who was comatose. But she did more than that. She came early in the morning into my patient’s room to have me give a patient her meds. I’d found an error on the MAR at Baptist. See, Baptist still uses paper for everything, even the MAR, and it was clear to me that a med had been written down wrong. I forget the med and what it was written as, but it did not exist in my brand new drug guide. The clinical instructor couldn’t find it either. When she asked the nurses at the station what the deal was with this drug, they said to just look in the patient’s pouch for something that looked like it. She was very upset with them for saying that, and understandably so. But again, she was set off. We went in to administer the meds. At one point I was closing the safety cap on a needle of a type I hadn’t used before, and she yelled at me for using my fingers, saying I needed to use a cabinet or the side of my leg so as to avoid a needle stick. Then later, I injected the patient without saying the usual "you're going to feel a little pinch" first. Even though this patient was comatose, I knew to do this, but she had me frazzled again. It was during this particular time that I actually thought she was going to hit me. She had this look on her face, and I swear she feigned a slap, because I remember actually ducking. Later, she worked with me with another patient to draw blood. She treated me like a piece of crap throughout this time. Then, at the end of the day we did the PICC line for the comatose patient, and again I made some mistakes. She said she was very unimpressed with me and that she was going to “greensheet” me. This means I was basically going to be written up.

The next few weeks, some odd things happened. First, because of some rotations, like the OR, ER, and cardiac cath lab, I did not see the other clinical instructors for a few weeks. Then, the clinical instructor in charge of the accelerated class had her mother pass away, so she was gone for a while. I worked with the lady who’d given me such a hard time again, and for once she gave me no problems at all. I was wondering if she’d reconsidered or something. Then, weeks after all the incidents, Julie called me to give me the inside scoop--that I was not only going to be greensheeted, but that the accelerated clinical director was considering not allowing me to progress. This would mean I would stay back a semester to re-take Adult Health, the hardest class there is, and re-do all the many clinical hours it entails. It’s a ten freaking credit class all together. Not only would I be held back a semester, but I would forfeit the $2500 scholarship I’d been awarded.

For a few days I worried endlessly about this. Nobody else I talked to ever had a problem with this clinical instructor, and all I ever heard was how great she was. I thought I must really suck. I later found out that there were plenty of others who had problems with her but were afraid to tell anyone for the same reason--they thought they were the only ones getting yelled at.

Finally I saw the accelerated clinical instructor again, and she said she would make me do a PICC line with her and give meds and do an assessment. I told her I was sorry if I’d disappointed her, that I knew how to do these things, but this lady made me very nervous. When the time came for me to do these things, there were no problems, and she even complimented me on how well I did. Then the next day this same lady caught up with me in the chart room. She told me I was going to progress but that I needed to work on some things. She said that I:
1) tend to come across as "flippant". Well, I can't really argue with this. I am definitely a smartass, although I don't think I am this way to piss people off, it's more just to amuse myself and others. She's right in that while I'm in this program I need to curtail this.
2) need to show more compassion for my patients. This I did not understand!! I've been told by other people in my program and even other instructors that I clearly care a lot about my patients and that I have this part "down". So this is a case where she's basing everything on the few times she's seen me with patients--which I remember as very positive experiences. Not sure where she gets this from.
Right after she says this she breaks down in my arms crying saying "because you never know whose mother it is you might be taking care of." She was talking about her own mother, of course, who had just died. I never feel very comfortable in these situations. I kind of just froze.

Any way I look at it, I feel somewhat ashamed for all of this. I also grew somewhat bitter about these petty little politics that are an inherent part of this program. Add to this that I got a 68 on a Pharm paper I'd worked very hard on. I will never cease being bitter about that. Still, I knew I had to swallow my pride, suck up my ego, say yes ma’am and no ma’am, and be allowed to progress. In the end, after being made to worry so much, I finished with an A, A-, and a B.

Things with Julie finally ended officially. I think she actually does want to remain friends. We were never really an official couple. After a couple of times where she wanted me to come over or expected me to invite her over here and I didn’t, I think she got the hint. The latest is that she’s supposed to marry this guy who she calls “stalker Danny”. He’s basically hung around her for the last 7 years even though she’s told him she’s not attracted to him. Well, she had told me that she needed to get married soon. No real reason why. She made it clear she was hinting to me to ask her to marry me. There is no way in hell I was going to, and I told her that in a nice way. Almost immediately afterwards, she told me she is moving in with this guy and she expects to get a wedding ring for Christmas. He does treat her pretty well but agreeing to marry someone because “it’s time to get married” is just the insane kind of wacko stuff I’ve come to expect from her. She’s smart and pretty. But she’s also strange and isn’t very nice to most people. So, I’m kind of glad this guy has taken the onus off of me and she’s leaving me alone. She says she wants to stay friends. She calls to ask me for my advice on things because she thinks I make good decisions. If it stays that way, I’ll be fine with it.

As for the other women in my life. There’s Judy of course. For a little while, when this Julie thing was going on, she seemed to be flirting with me a lot. She was in a dead end relationship at the time also. Then, when it was over, she stopped flirting. I’m not worried about that. I still see a relationship with Judy as going nowhere. We have so little in common and the age difference would very much get in the way. Then there’s this mysterious girl I was IM’ing with whose screen name is gatorprops. I don’t know who she is or how she got my screen name. She says we met once and that we both know the same person. I’ve asked everyone I know who knows my screen name if they know who this is and they say no. Anyway she says her name is Michelle, she’s an MA who works at Baptist downtown, is taking prereqs for nursing school, lives on the northside near the airport, and is 30 years old. In our online conversations, we seemed to have a lot in common and she seemed bright and motivated. We had a sort of chemistry. She said she’d “reveal” herself to me “soon”. That was over a month ago and I haven’t seen her sign on since. I really want to know who she is and even meet her for a beer or something. She seemed so interesting, and not knowing who she was made it kind of intriguing. Lastly there’s this chick named Lisa who I met through match.com back in August. I have avoided meeting her all this time. To be honest, she does not seem like much of a match to me. Then this past Thursday we were supposed to meet but then at the last minute she was not able to make it. She seems very interested in meeting me but I just sense it would not work. I might still meet her, but I feel like it would be almost perfunctory rather than something I really want to do. I’d do it just for the “you never know” factor.

So here it is, I’m in the second week of my four week break and I feel like I have nothing going on. I tell myself it’s not a bad thing, that I don’t have money to spend on dates anyway, but in reality I want to try meeting someone over this break. If not, I’ll do what I always do, hang around with my friends, work out, read, and maybe even start studying for next semester. As for right now, I'm recovering from some annoying little bug I got. It seems to be going around. I look forward to getting back on my feet and trying to enjoy this time off.

The new semester is well underway but so far it hardly feels like it. Not sure if they intend to be easing us in slowly but that's the way it's gone. The communication so far has been fairly shabby. We have not been given any real long range plans in 2 of our courses. The damn profs keep forgetting there's an accelerated class there (24 of the 72 in the damn class) and always talk as if the very different things that apply to the "decelerated" class apply to us also. I'm not worried though, it'll all work out. I’ve already been to a MADD meeting and an AA meeting to get them out of the way. They were definitely interesting.

One thing that will definitely NOT work out is this ill-advised thing with Julie. It's gotten worse. Any time I say I'm going to do or not do something and she doesn't like it she never says so till later. Then she just goes off. I'm like you shoulda told me you were mad when I said I wasn't going to come over, you nut. So now I'm in the process of trying to put some distance between us without being cruel or creating any animosity. The one thing that really sucks is that she says she still hasn't had her period. I've caught her in a ton of lies before, so who knows if that's true. She might be trying to corner me into sticking around. I would not put it past her. But the fact remains that it is a possibility, if a remote one. I tell myself about how unhealthy she is, on antidepressants, taking sleeping pills to sleep, with her anemia and her constant (and unreasonable) worrying and it adds up to the fact the odds are highly against her being pregnant. My god, what a mess it would make. This is why I stayed celibate for so long before.

In that department I also went to a movie with Judy and some of her friends on Saturday night. It was good to see her again but there’s no reason to think the nature of our platonic relationship is about to change.

I’ve actually been emailing some chicks on match.com. You never know what might come of that. Either way, I’m still surrounded by women. Something someday is going to happen. Of that I’m sure.

My few weeks off from school is coming to a close. I can't say I mind getting back to business.

I'm finally fully moved in and unpacked. Living here with Davy and Kelly seems like it's going to be fine. The things we own came together well to make what is a comfy living situation. I do think that I will be happier here than with Elise. We so far have cooked for each other and that is something I always liked. Living so close to school will also make things a lot easier.

The thing with Julie also seems as if it's coming to a close. And it probably should. We simply do not have a lot in common. From the foods she eats to the temperature she keeps her apartment at to her indifference towards sex, how can this work? The other night was a perfect example. I was staying the night and I could not sleep. It was too hot. So she was sleeping and I just got up and left. She called me as I was leaving the gate of her apartment complex, and said wtf are you doing. I said it was too hot and she said please come back and she'd lower the temp. So I did. For some reason she says she sleeps better when I'm there. So I actually got to sleep but woke up at 6 AM with a raging erection. I tried to get something going with her but she was not interested. I couldn't stand laying next to her like that so again I left. Came home and went to sleep.

She called me later yesterday saying she doesn't need drama like that. I finally told her why I left both times and said I wasn't trying to make any drama. Then last night we talked about it again. She was saying i should have told her about this but I was like how? But in the end, I think a big obstacle is going to be the very different ways we look at sex. When I'm in a relationship I like to have sex at least twice a week. More like every other day. She doesn't even like it. And we haven't had sex in over a week. So how is that going to work? Add in that every time me and my roommates make dinner there's some sort of meat as the main dish and we don't even invite her over for our dinners. There's just too many opposite things at work here.

Last night when I was talking to her I mentioned how our relationship was going to be put on hold soon. She was like, it is? I reminded her that SHE was the one who kept saying that once school started up again we'd go our separate ways. I know it's kind of playing dumb to have really expected that but she was the one tossing it out there. I've been like i always am--we'll take it as it comes and see what happens. I guess I am kinda looking at what she kept saying as my way to get out of this thing. There's a slight chance we could keep things going for a little while but I think we both know it won't last. At least I know it. I don't need a messy relationship in which I've felt like I'm on pins and needles most of the time anyway.

Judy is seeing some guy she keeps talking about. Our "When Harry Met Sally" type relationship continues. I haven't told her much about Julie because I think she gets a little jealous. Which is strange too since the only reason we have never dated is that she told me I was too old for her.

Tomorrow is my first of 2 fantasy football drafts. I have to get my research in order and ride to Melbourne with 2 other guys who are in the league. Then tomorrow night a Russian classmate is supposed to make me and a few others a Russian dinner. I hope I get back in time for that. At least this thing with Julie can be put on hold for a few days....

Well last night was mostly a very good time. Julie and I went out and had something to eat and then we had some ice cream. Then we went back to her place and talked for a while. I ended up spending the night even though she was going to go over her mom's and I was going to go home. Then we had sex. This time I had no problems at all. Maybe I was finally over the blueballs, or I don't know what else. She let me know that she didn't have an orgasm so I went down on her to try. She still didn't. She said she never has.

Then the night was rather spoiled when she reminded me that I screwed up royally by not wearing a condom. What the hell was I thnking? I did pull out but that doesn't mean that much. So now we both have this to worry about. And she said she is never actually regular with them and that if it is regular she won't menstruate until the end of the month. AAAAAAGGGGHHHHH. What the hell was I thinking....I had a condom right there. I literally just forgot aobut it and didn't think. Dammit.

The summer semester is finally over. It ended on Friday. I'm glad it's over but I am already looking forward to getitng the next semester going. We keep being warned about how hard this next semester is going to be and that most people who don't make it drop out in this semester. While I doubt I will be one of them, I am wondering what exactly this semester will be like. There were definitely some parts of this past semester that I liked. I liked being around the people in my class. The ladies treated me well and of course us men have a certain other type of bond. I got to know the people in my class very well. And that was kind of fun. The classwork went okay and I ended up with an A, A-, and 2 B's. Not great but also not too bad.

The break has so far been filled with almost too much activity. There's this thing with Julie. It's progressed to being a full-on relationship. Which is good as well as bad. She definitely has some rather serious mental problems. She takes antidepressants--never a good sign. She can be VERY difficult to deal with. But I suppose I'd gotten to know her well enough and thought her intriguing enough to continue on despite the sometimes odd behavior. And this past weekend we finally took it the rest of the way.

She made it hard to get there. While I was in bed with her she refused to let me slip it in. I tried a few times and before I knew it I had a full on case of blueballs. Later when she let me I couldn't anymore. I sometimes wonder about my sexual problems. Is it a result of blueballs? Or does it go deeper? After all, this was my first time in SO long. Was I just not used to it? It's not been uncommon for me to not be able to do it the first few times with chicks. In fact it's been almost the standard. The only person I can think of that it wasn't a problem with who I actually dated was Kelly. But since then it's always a problem. Is it because I tend to go so long between these types of relationships? I wish I knew. I think these recurring problems might be the reason why I don't try to hook up as often as people seem to expect. It's a problem and I know it. I'm going to try again with Julie. Maybe it will work. When it does I am so happy. So relieved. But until it does I won't be.

I still talk to Judy quite often. I find myself mesmerized by her sometimes but other times I listen to her stories almost reluctantly. She can be amused fairly easily it seems. At least with her own stories. Sometimes I think we're the perfect match and other times I think we are certainly not.

At least with the nursing thing the women seem to be drawn to me like never before. So while I seriously doubt things with Julie are going to continue to the point that we actually start talking about any kind of a future together, I have all kinds of faith now that I can find someone who I relate to a lot better and who I like a lot better. I finally feel confident that I won't be single for all that much longer. And it feels good.

I am also in the middle of moving. In 2 days my living situation will be totally changed. And as always I feel a little reticent to try yet another arrangement, but it is inevitable now. I doubt I will have a problem living with Kelly but sometimes Davy can be rather volatile. So I guess we will just have to wait and see. In the meantime I have to move. That sucks. I'm tired of moving. But by Monday it will finally be over.

Here I am after half a bottle of pinot noir and feeling really good. Really I was supposed to be studying but I just can't right now. It's the eve of a huge test but I feel more compelled to have some wine.

I am about to complete my first semester of the UNF accelerated nursing program. I hafta say I am about as happy with myself and my life as I have ever been.

I am sorta dating the admin of the department. She has her own personal issues but they are nothing compared to the women I've dated recently. And wow, since I started this program I've become something of a hot commodity--something I haven't been for a long time.

At this point I am open to whatever may come of my future. And I love saying that this future seems as bright as it ever has. I have made some good decisions recently. I am going to be a good nurse--of that I have little doubt. And through my new work and my new type of life--which is like nothing I've ever experienced--I expect to meet all of my life's goals. It's amazing how well things have gone since I left the failing company that is AOL.....

I still talk to Judy sometimes. She is getting cooler as she get s a little bit older. Smarter and more able to hang with me. I feel myself so strongly attracted to her....but yet we have never done much relationship-wise. Maybe someday.....

Well the week of changes has finally come and gone.

I told Nelnet that I was going to be leaving at the end of April. I was surprised at the reception it got. My boss' boss told me he thought it was a good idea, as did many others. In the end, I felt very strange, stepping out of my comfort zone of the last few months and into a strange new world I still don't know that much about.

I worked right up until two days before nursing school started. I left last Tuesday and the orientation began on Thursday. I only took one day off to try to corral as much cash as I could before I went to being a no-income student in a fairly costly program.

The people in the program seem very cool. No doubt, we will all get to know each other very well over the next year. There are some very good looking women in the program, but they all seem a lot younger than me. And having been through the two-day orientation now, I do feel kind of uneasy. They had last year's accelerated group come in and talk to us about how we could expect things to be, and it's pretty clear that this program is going to be very demanding. Combine that and the work I'll be doing--for the program and at least for the immediate future--and I admit I'm so far out of my comfort zone that it's off the radar. This past week I spent a lot of time reflecting on this decision. Is it the right one? Should I have kept the dull but safe job I had just a week ago? I have to keep telling myself that I could expect to be wondering about these things at this point, and that the reasons I made this decision were good, and that the months I took in coming to the conclusion to do this was done with sound thinking and clear minded judgment. Only time is going to tell if I am happy with it.

I've kept up pretty well with Judy. We still talk a lot, even if we don't see each other but maybe once every few weeks. But now it seems less likely than ever that things will ever happen between us. I'll be spending so much time with my new fellow students and in studying that I may not get a chance to see much of her. I'm rather content with us just remaining friends. And still, you never know what might happen in the long run.

I also tossed around the idea lately of moving out of this arrangement with Elise and in with Davy and Kelly to save money. I told Elise about it and she said she'd lower my rent by 200 bucks a month. This clouds this decision a lot. That and the idea of living with the always volatile Davy. Strange as it seems, I know I could easily live with Kelly, but as for Davy, well....I'm not so sure. He is pretty lazy and lately has been acting kind of strange. He's still a good friend and all but living with him might be a challenge I don't need. This could still happen, as it might be kind of fun to live with them, but we'll have a few months to wait and see.

As time continues to roll on, I am getting more and more excited about the big change that's certainly in store for me. Very soon, things as they are and have been are going to change drastically.

There's still a twinge of doubt as to what it will be. Mayo Clinic called for a second interview with them for the helpdesk manager position. I am planning to go to the interview. It's probably going to be on Thursday. I kind of feel like I'm going through with it for one big reason: to give myself the choice. It will make me feel like, I am not just doing the nursing thing because I have no other options. And I think that will make me more motivated. Later this week, more will be decided, after I have an appointment with the Nursing school scholarship guy on Friday. And
the final clincher will be when I find out how much financial aid I'm granted in mid-April. So the wheels are definitely in motion.

I spent this weekend on call with Nelnet. It has not been something I've enjoyed. It makes me more happy that I won't be having to go on call again, as I will no longer be working there the next time I am scheduled to be on call. It'll get me a little extra cash, but overall it is definitely not worth it. It was okay this time, but later on would be a real pain in the ass. Friday night I went to Hugh's and sort of hung out. I could hang there because he has high speed internet. I only had one call while I was there. Then last night Judy came over and we talked and watched a movie. That was pretty cool. We had a good little time.

With Judy, it's been a bizarre, up-and-down few weeks. After feeling so very close to her a few weeks ago and feeling like something might happen, she called me last Wednesday to tell me that a guy in her class left her a note saying he liked her a lot and blah blah blah. She was telling me that although they'd done some date-like things together that she only wanted to be friends, and that she'd called and told him as much. While she was telling me this, she was saying more guys should be like me and just be content with being just friends. It kind of made me feel like a schmuck, to tell the truth. Since I was thinking there might be some hope something would happen.

Then last weekend I went to her house to help her with her next Chemistry test. I met her parents and then they took me out to dinner. It was kind of a shock to see the place where they live. It's way up on the northside, and frankly, in what's pretty much a slum. I kind of expected it to be like that from what she'd told me before, but now that I was seeing the place it was sort of a shock. And it's also very redneck-ish. Pickup trucks and confederate flags and a real blue-collar feel. I don't want to seem snobby but, it was just not my kind of place. I got along with her parents okay but a lot of the things they talked about I could not really relate to.

On the way to dinner, it was just Judy and I, and I mentioned that something that intrigues me about going into nursing and especially nursing school is that it will be the opposite of where I am now--mostly female--and that this would tilt the odds in the direction of me finding someone to hook up with. I can't say how she took my saying this other than to say she sort of agreed with me but then was pretty quiet the rest of the night. I ended up having to keep the conversation going with her parents, who even asked her why she was so quiet. Maybe she just didn't feel like talking, I don't know.

Then last night I asked her if she is still keeping away from her ex. She seldom voluntarily brings up the subject of the two of them. She said she was keeping away from him and was focused on moving on. So I asked her what she was looking for in her next guy. She gave me some generic things. Then of course we got to talking about what I was looking for. She was acting like it was predictable so I asked her what she thought I was looking for. Some of things she said made me really think that she must have seen my match.com profile. She was pretty specific with things I say on it. Which would be surprising since she seldom does anything online, and it mamde me wonder, if she did see it, was she looking for it, or did someone see it and send it to her or what. Anyway, other things she said over the night seemed to be dropping hints that she thought we might hook up.

If there's one thing I am hoping, it's that she's not just playing games with me. That would really surprise but mostly disappoint me. If she's just confused and not sure, that's one thing. If she'd playing stupid little girl games, then well I will be pretty upset. Either way, it seems like right now little is really decided. Something might happen and it might not. Just like a few weeks ago....

Well in just a week a lot has changed. Sort of.

On Saturday I went to the post office to pick up my certified letter from UNF. Although it was only a single letter and nothing indicating it was any sort of package, the letter told me that I had, after all of the anticipation of the past year, been accepted into the accelerated nursing program at UNF. This clearly changes everything. Or does it?

On Wednesday I got a call from the Mayo Clinic for a "Help Desk Manager" position that I had applied for. The only reason I applied for it was that I wanted to make sure my name was noticed for the regular help desk job I'd applied for earlier in the month. Anyway I was very surprised that they called to request an interview, especially since I didn't even get a call about the help desk position. I went in on Friday for the interview, and was even more surprised when after the interview the guy told me I should probably expect a call for a second interview. That 2nd interview, should I be given one, will not be for another month.

In a way I wish this had never happened. After all this time of being in limbo, I finally had a definite answer from UNF and a reason to relax about my long term future. But now, with this other job a surprising possibility, I can't say for sure that I'll be doing the program. This job pays 45,000 bucks a year to start, maybe more. Could I really be offered such a job and turn it down for nursing school? As much as it's taken to convince me that it's time to leave this line of work behind, should I turn around and stay in it?

My gut right now tells me no. It tells me that regardless of what happens with this Mayo job, I should stick with my plan with nursing. In the long run, it probably has the best outlook. It's the short run that would make me wonder. I could be making that starting salary and house hunting in a few months, or I can take out a student loan and go into debt to ultimately make what will probably be more money in the long run in nursing. Moneywise I think that it would be at best a wash, and if anything nursing would give the bigger yield. But job security-wise, it's not even close. And that's a big factor after what happened to me last year.

It also comes down to satisfaction. Nursing gives me a chance to expand my horizons so much wider and make me so much better rounded as a person. I see it as something I will enjoy and something that will never bore me. The "yuck" factor is what makes me wonder about it. Tech has gotten to this point that it does bore me.

So this should pretty much decide it. While I won't say for sure that this will be my ultimate decision, I expect to be in the thick of nursing school in a year. In a way, I kind of hope I'm never faced with the decision, and that Mayo goes with someone else. I guess I hope that just because it would make my decision so much easier.

This past weekend was a pretty cool time. I went to Orlando Saturday afternoon, which was probably a mistake. I think it might be time to just minimize my visits to Steve. He and his friends do little but get drunk and go woman-hunting. Ten years ago this might have been fine for me, but I guess now I just crave more intelligent conversation. More mature things to do. I don't mean to sound snobbish or heady, but Steve still acts like a college frat boy when he's around his friends. Anymore when I go down there he gives me a hard time for not wanting to go get drunk with him and his not-exactly-motivated friends. But after that we went to Titusville. We had a pretty good time hanging out with the parents, and Dan and his family. I am glad I went. It gave me a chance to see them and bounce my ideas aobut this possible decision I will have to make soon. And of course just hanging aorund with them was fun.

I am still not sure what to make of the situation with Judy. We talk on the phone a LOT. Like at least a couple times a week, and lately more like a couple times a day. Obviously, I really like her company. And as I was driving down to Orlando and called her up to give me some welcome company she finally opened up to me. She told me more about her and Greg. Turns out I'd correctly suspected, from the small bits of info she'd let out before, that she was sort of hanging onto him even though he didn't seem to want to do much to make them an official couple. I'd even guessed that she was clinging to the idea that this would change and that he'd commit to her more. She then told me that on Friday night she just got tired of it and left him a note saying she was tired of their situation and wanted it to be over. She told me how tough it's going to be that they work together and will have to see each other many times every day. I can't say she sounded as resolute as I'm used to her sounding when she's talking to me. Maybe she'll change her mind and go back to him. I wouldn't be too surprised if she did, since I think that's pretty much what's happened before. I told her that she does not need to cling to any such situation and that she has too much to offer to worry about finding someone else. I told her she needs to find someone who treats her the way she deserves. And then was the only time the possibility of us ever hooking up came up. She said "someone like my buddy Ted?" I just said yeah, someone like your buddy Ted. I haven't told her the truth about the email I sent her when she told me I was too old for her. And I see no reason to right now. That would defeat the purpose of having sent her the email I sent in the first place. Maybe I should tell her, but at this time I am not ready to. Either way, she said she was going to need some time to get over this, since she and Greg had been in this whatever-it-is relationship for 4 years now. I'm trying not to push this along too much and am sort of staying in close touch with her and taking a wait and see kinf of approach. I've gotten into the catch-22 situation of liking her as a friend so much that I'm not sure I want to ruin it by going further. But then, I also know how that usually turns out. One of us gets a "significant other" and we grow apart..... But my attraction to her could definitely overcome that. She is one hot girl.

So life is now starting to get really interesting. 6 months ago, it seemed like nobody wanted any part of me except my family and closest friends. Now, that seems to have changed. You hear people who have been through it say getting laid off or fired is often the best thing that could have happened to them, and I would think to myself how bad it would be. Now that it's happened to me, I definitely think it was a good thing for me. Maybe a great thing. Things are good.

Well I'm going to try to get this thing up to date. We'll see how far I get.

After a lot of wondering what to do and changing my mind a few times, I decided to take AOL’s severance offer instead of going to the Billing department. I knew that the Billing people were about to get moved into Saves anyway, which is something I could never do. So I left and decided to just be unemployed for a while. There is no doubt that this was the right decision. My plan was to leave AOL, take 4 classes that were pre-requisites for UNF’s Nursing program so I could knock them out, and have a realistic shot at getting into the accelerated program starting in May 2005. I was willing to listen if a really good job offer in IT came around. In early October, that almost happened, as I had what seemed like a very positive interview for a desktop support position at Mayo Clinic.

Alas, though it seemed promising, they did not take me, and I pressed on with my 4 classes. In the end, I got 4 A’s, as well as a much more thorough understanding of the human body and the nursing field in general. I did have to cash in some stock to get by, but the 5 months I spent unemployed were very fruitful. I was able to go home for Thanksgiving and spend 5 days with the family as well as taking a cruise for my stepsister’s wedding. It was also easy to swing the A’s in the classes, two of which were somewhat hard, since I was not working. I felt some stress simply because my future was so wide open and undecided, but in time I learned to appreciate the fact that I was going to start something new, whatever it was. The Anatomy 2 class was definitely the most influential. The professor was outstanding and I became friends with two of the smarter people in the class. We met a bunch of times to go over the material and we all helped each other understand it better. It didn’t hurt that one of them was a hot 22 year old named Autumn.

By the end of the semester, I was pretty set on moving on to the Nursing field. I still only applied to one program, the one at UNF, and admittedly have my eggs all in that one basket.

I moved in with Elise to start the new year. I must say, at least so far it is so much better than living with Dan in that crappy apartment ever was, even though we were getting along tolerably for the last 6 months or so we were together. Now, Dan is trying to pull some shit on me that’s pissed me off involving the old apartment and some fees we were charged by them concerning the carpet. I won’t get into it, but it’s made me lose what respect I’d regained for him and not want him around me and my friends anymore.

When I started living here, the Holidays and moving out which had kept me somewhat busy were over. I was taking one class with my professor from Anatomy 2, but that was all. I was pretty set from the time I started this plan that I would search for a job as soon as the holidays ended and I’d moved out. This is precisely what I did, and after a bunch of interviews I landed a decent job with Nelnet, doing exactly what I did at AOL. It’s actually contract-to-hire, but I already know that they want to hire me on. After 2 days of training I was taking calls, and after a week I was putting up similar numbers to my peers there. I have noticed that the company and the IT department in particular are much better run than AOL’s, and the company is one on the rise.

It surprises me that, had I landed this job a year ago, I doubt I would have considered any other fields. There is room to move up in the new company without having to move away. They seem to like me and I feel like I fit in okay. Yet there is now no doubt in my mind that if Nursing school is offered to me, I am going to take out a student loan to live on, and utilize the fully funded scholarship that I am eligible for and be back in school. I even look forward to it quite a bit. The new job at Nelnet is okay, but I’ve come to think so differently in this past year. The work I do now is, well, ultimately meaningless, and the people I work with are hardly people I want to emulate. They do not seem very motivated nor concerned much for other people. The fact that it’s such a sausage party also does nothing to make me want to stay in tech. In only my second week at work with the new job, I was already feeling bored and unchallenged. Leaving AOL and the job I had there and moving on to do the same thing at another company has made me realize that it is not what I want to do. I can also look around to other people around me doing what I would move up to do, and think that that is not something I want either.

Nursing is something that I look at as a challenge as well as an adventure. It would be easy to take the safe route and keep on doing what I’ve been doing. But then, little would likely change. With this new venture, I become so much more rounded as a person. I’ve already learned to live much healthier. I’ve been keeping in very good physical shape for the last year, and I have felt more alive than I have for years. Where I’m going is good.

I had my interview with the Nursing people over a week ago. I think it went well. While I am still somewhat anxious, I do expect to be admitted into the program. What makes me think it might not happen is the sheer number of people I’m up against. They said that 512 people applied for the program, 150 of those were offered interviews of which 140 accepted, and 24 will make the accelerated program and 48 the traditional track. I expect to find out once and for all, after all of the anticipation of the last year, what I will be doing for the next year in the next week when the letter form the Nursing program comes. We will just have to wait and see.

My dating life has continued to be nonexistent. I’ve spent a lot of this time focusing on just trying to make myself a better person. I notice that women seem more interested in me since I started working out and especially since I started feeling so much more alive, but nothing has come of the increased interest. I can’t deny that one of the things that makes the Nursing program seem more adventurous is the chance to meet more women. The only thing close to dating I’ve done is to hang out with the girl I met in Anatomy 1, Judy. We get along very well and I like her company, but we are definitely very different in a lot of ways. Add that she’s already said that she does not want to be more than friends and this does not seem likely to become more than it is now. I am intrigued by her, and she has a lot of class and is very cute. But for now at least, I am content with her company and with trying to help her.

That’s it for now. Maybe I’ll make writing here more of a priority again now that I’m caught up on things.